The Scary Thing About Parenting: When Our Children Mirror Us

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June is for the Afrobloggers #WinterABC blogging challenge. I am not sure how regular my participation in this challenge will be, but I thought I should write a paragraph or two about the theme on parenting.

Having a child is very exciting. You get to see and raise a mini you who calls you mommy/daddy. Your parents’ excitement at meeting their grandchild is surprising yet satisfying. They can now breathe a sigh of relief after hold their breath for a few years. They can now inform their African relatives that you are fruitful and not barren/impotent. And finally, you get to parent your child “the right way” where you can correct a few things you feel were done wrong by your parents. But there’s something both exhilarating and terrifying about the way our children absorb our behaviors, attitudes, and character traits.

The Mirror Effect

Children are like mirrors that reflect back to us our own strengths and flaws. Here is why this can be both beautiful and scary:

1. Nature vs. Nurture: We have all heard the debate about nature versus nurture. While genetics play a significant role, our children also learn from observing us. They pick up our habits, language, and emotional responses. If we are patient, they learn patience. If we are quick to anger, they learn that too.
2. Unconscious Modeling: Children absorb more than we realize. They watch how we handle stress, disagreements, and setbacks. Our coping mechanisms become their default settings. If we are anxious, they may become anxious too. If we are resilient, they learn resilience.
3. Values and Morals: Our values and morals shape our parenting style. When our children see us being honest, compassionate, and respectful, they internalize those principles. Conversely, if we are dishonest or judgmental, they absorb that as well.
4. Emotional Intelligence: Emotional intelligence is contagious. When we express empathy, our children learn empathy. When we manage our emotions constructively, they learn to do the same. But if we explode in anger or bottle up feelings, they will mimic those patterns.

The Fear Factor

The truth about parenting is that you are really parenting a version of yourself. So why is this scary? The mirror effect is what makes it scary. Children come to exhibit a double portion of our character – good or bad. You may have done a good job hiding some of your character but it will always rub off on your children.

1. Responsibility: Knowing that our children mirror us means we carry immense responsibility. Our actions directly impact their development. We cannot just preach; we must practice what we preach.
2. Imperfections Exposed: My son once threw a temper tantrum that scared me. I wondered where that came from before a thought spoke back to me, “you’re a hot tempered guy”. Parenthood reveals our imperfections. When children throw tantrums, we see our own impatience. When they show kindness, we recognize our own compassion. It is a mirror that reflects both our best and worst selves.
3. Legacy: Our children carry forward our legacy. What kind of legacy are we leaving? Are we modeling kindness, resilience, and integrity? Or are we passing on negative patterns?

Embracing the Reflection

While it is scary, it is also an opportunity:

1. Self-Reflection: Have you ever regretted your behavior after seeing your own child mimicking you? Do you continue expressing negative thoughts behind people after your child parrots your words in public? Parenting forces us to look in the mirror. It helps us to regulate our behavior when children are around. We can grow alongside our children, learning from them as they learn from us.
2. Intentional Parenting: Knowing that our children mirror us, we can be intentional. We can choose kindness, patience, and authenticity. We can break cycles of negativity.
3. Grace and Forgiveness: We’re imperfect, and that’s okay. When our children mirror our flaws, we can teach them grace and forgiveness – both for themselves and for us.

In the end, parenting is not about perfection; it is about growth. Our children will mirror us, but they will also shape us. If you do not have children yet, identify your bad traits and work on those weaknesses. This will equip you with proven methods of dealing with weaknesses as you guide your children through life’s journey.

The next time you feel like calling your children “little demons,” remember they are just a reflection of a bigger demon – you. Embrace the reflection, learn, and love fiercely. 🌟👪

Feel free to share your thoughts and insights! 😊

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